Before I start in with the actual post, I just want to say thank you for all the support, love, prayers, and suggestions we have received so far in regards to the video and blog post we just put out into internet-land. Really, my gratitude goes out whole-heartedly to those who were open-minded enough to try to understand my motives and intentions. Among other recommendations, we were referred by someone to a non-profit organization that looks very promising, as well as a case worker that we will be contacting this week... I will keep you all updated.
...and now on to more of those delicious spiritual things!...
I was in my yoga class on Labor Day, and they had a special 45 minute meditation after class because of the holiday. I always love the usual 15 minutes of meditation time at the end of class, because they do a crystal sound bath and baby Gio loves it! He is always kicking and moving around during that time.
Anyways, in the beginning of the meditation practice that day, with our right hand on our bellies, filling with breath, and our left hand on our hearts, pumping the blood throughout our bodies, beautiful signs of life, we took time to think of everything and everyone we could express gratitude for. Among other things, I started going through each member of our family. Myself, Nephi, Lili, Eddy, Leo... When I thought of Gio, with my right hand on my belly, I felt him move. I knew he was there and felt so much joy and love for his presence! And then next I thought of Maya, and with my left hand over my heart I felt a swelling and more joy, and I knew that her spirit was with me too.
I have so much faith in God's plan for bringing us all together. As I felt all of that gratitude, I marveled at all of the miracles that have come to pass lately, and all of a sudden, it hit me... the biggest miracle of all has been my own transformation. I've always wished for it, wondered if it was possible for me to truly change, and I am doing it right now. I am changing, transforming in a miraculous way, and that is what has allowed all these miracles into my life!
And as I thought about this, I realized that the miracles have always been there, those moments have always been there... from finding out how strong I truly was through miscarriages and the birth of Lili, and discovering the strength of her spirit, to the moment when Eddy, as a new baby, looked into my eyes and conveyed somehow his love and appreciation for me at a time when I was so depressed, to the joy of watching Leo, full of life, when I was so scared in the beginning that I would lose him.
Then something even more amazing happened. A time that I had been hurt came to mind... but this time it didn't hurt me to think about it. I felt so much gratitude for that experience, and even for the person who played a part in it, seeing it for what it really was- a moment in time that put this whole miraculous transformation in motion. I wanted to wrap my arms around that whole moment that I had thought was so terrible, and give it all my love and gratitude for giving me this beautiful change in myself I felt today.
And then I felt something else... Powerful. As I sat cross-legged on the floor, my hands resting on my knees, I felt the urge to open my palms and face my hands out and away from me into the world. I felt like I had enough love and energy for everyone in the room. I walked outside after class and looked off into the distance at the mountains, imagining that this powerful energy inside of me could reach even to someone that far away.
I understand the negativity some have surrounding all of this, because I was in the same frame of mind less than a year ago. My worldview was already on a downhill slope, and after the incident that deeply hurt me at the time, I really started to hate the world and the people in it. I couldn't go anywhere without thinking about how horrible it was, how insincere people were, always with an ulterior motive. It was sad, and hard, to live this way.
It wasn't until I let light in, eternal truths about who I am and what I am doing here, that I realized how much love there still is in the world, and how much I could magnify it by the intentions I was putting out. I wasn't weak and fragile as I was before. I felt and still do feel strong, but not in the way that I have to prove myself or fight anyone. It's more of a surety of who I am and my purpose. What other people say just flows through me and pours out of me showing a reflection of themselves back to them. I don't need any person or search engine in the world to tell me what to do. I know now, every day, what to do.
I wish this kind of feeling, this kind of power for everyone in the world. And the answer is so simple. Be still. And then when you think you've been still enough, discovered enough, continue to be still. More will come. Your power will increase. And the world will come together as one beautiful whole. One, powerful love that is strong enough to defeat any darkness, by filling every space with light.
It's funny though, how we often resist these simple answers.
Last night, when I was really struggling and having anxiety, I read again in Isaiah 45 that God will provide the strength our family will need to move forward, despite all those who are "incensed" against us. I took comfort in that and continued to ponder that scripture, still wondering what I should do about the negativity online... Respond? Block? Delete? Ignore?
My thoughts turned to Christ, and His life. He was loved by many and hated by many, despite the fact that the message was the same no matter who He was talking to. I related to that, in observing that the message we had put out on social media had been the same for everyone, yet the reactions to it have varied greatly from person to person. As I realized that, the things people said didn't affect me anymore.
I was just a vessel, taking in their reactions and energy, and pouring it right back out to them in a reflection of themselves and their own life experiences. If I am a vessel things will always be pouring in and out, but the vessel, my core, who I truly am, remains the same. Even six months ago, I don't know that I would have been able to come to this level of revelation, this realization.
I thought I wasn't strong enough then.
I know people that know and care about me have been worried about my being so vulnerable online. I wouldn't have done it in the past, but I know my strength now, and I know where it comes from. All the glory is to God and his perfect understanding, to Christ's atonement and it's power to fully transform me into the strong and confident woman I have always dreamed I could be.
Honestly, I always thought these things sounded a little cliche, okay a lot cliche, but now I know them. I understand them. I am living them every day. I see how this understanding can truly change a person, how it has transformed me. I know it was there all along, and now I finally feel it.
This morning as I shared with Nephi, he also shared with me a realization he had come to. It's all about motives. As we move through this journey of bringing Gio into our family, and searching for Maya so that we can do the same, we should always be questioning our motives for doing things, and especially in responding or not responding to messages and comments people will make. Is it coming from a place of love? Or is it coming from a place of feeling like we have to explain ourselves to someone? ...someone other than the ones who inspired all of this in the first place, the ones who actually matter.
I know to my core why I am doing this. It's a journey I wouldn't have chosen for myself, in fact, that I gave up initially as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Adoption became the last thing on my mind, a distant "maybe" for our future. But I know the love I have for Gio, and having two children come into our family at or around the same time doesn't change that. I know the love I also have for Maya, which is harder to explain to people. My purpose right now is to bring Gio to our family by keeping my body and mind healthy and strong, and to find Maya and her birth mother. They are family to me already, and it will be a privilege to continue this journey of life together, expanding all of our understanding of what it truly means to "love thy neighbor as thyself."
Thanks for reading my novel. ;)