Finding Maya

Here is the link to the video that accompanies this blog post: https://youtu.be/WDOR_6sDQFU

I want to preface this by saying that in my religion, among other things, a temple is a place to go to pray for guidance and meditate. It is where I have received the clarity I've needed in every major decision in my life. I have never regretted following the answers I have received in the temple. In this excerpt from my journal, dated Friday, August 30, 2019, when I say that I "received council", something was "confirmed by the spirit", or "got an answer", I am referring to that still small voice inside that came to me in deep pondering and meditation. With that said...

"Something completely beautiful and overwhelming is happening... overwhelmingly beautiful, I should say. Over half a year ago now, I went to the temple seeking guidance in my life. I went there sure I was about to receive some council regarding my dance training and career, and left with the reminder that motherhood is the greatest pursuit of all, and the distinct impression that there was a girl waiting to come to our family, and it was time to bring her to us. As unexpected as that was to me, Nephi (my husband) felt the same thing confirmed to him, and we started trying to get pregnant.

As the weeks went on, Nephi and I both got the distinct impression that I was missing something, and should return to the temple to find out what that information/inspiration was. I went back, and felt so strongly, much to my surprise again, that this little girl would be joining our family through adoption rather than a pregnancy. I remember praying several times that day in the temple to confirm this unexpected news, and each time it was confirmed to me so strongly by the spirit that this was the case. This was again confirmed to Nephi by the spirit when I later told him about it.

We then decided to stop trying to get pregnant and start looking into adoption. We got through the beginning stages of that process when, in another twist to the story, I found out a few weeks later that I was already indeed, pregnant! My heart is giddy with joy in piecing together all these puzzle pieces that led to where I am today! Once we found out I was pregnant, our plan once again shifted. We were confused but thought, 'Okay, maybe since we already got pregnant, that's how our little girl will come after all!'

Nephi had a dream, although I don't remember where exactly in the timeline this happened, that he was rocking our little baby girl in his arms in a little blue outfit inside the blue room at his parent's house. In real life this blue room was an office, but in his dream it was a nursery, and he was putting our little girl down to sleep. Well, he also felt inspired distinctly one day, that our son Eddy and this little girl would share a special bond, that having her would help him in his life in some way. You can see how special this little girl has been to our family for so long!

We told the kids we were pregnant, and everyone was so excited to complete our family with this little girl! Now fast forward three terrible months of pregnancy symptoms and anxiety later... (anxiety because I wasn't throwing up and as sick as I normally get with my healthy pregnancies, so I was sure I'd have a miscarriage as I have in the past. I didn't...)

The day came to have the gender reveal ultrasound. We already knew it was a girl, but still, we brought all the kids with Nephi and I to make a fun, special day of it. You can imagine then, my shock, when I looked at the monitor and saw it... a boy! It's a boy! Haha! We were all so surprised and doing a terrible job of hiding it. I laughed in amazement, and Lili asked, 'You're still going to love him right??' Poor girl! I had to explain to her that while I was shocked that it wasn't the girl we thought it was, I was still very excited and happy for this little boy to join our family! She was so worried...

I felt like there was some purpose to all of this though. That maybe the girl we knew was coming was further in the future, and that if we didn't have this boy first, maybe we wouldn't have included him in our family... thinking we were done once we had our girl. (Looking back that doesn't make much sense, because I know I would've gotten pregnant again if I knew this boy wanted to join us.)

Well, after that day, we shifted to the idea of a boy joining our family instead. A precious baby boy we were all excited for, and after several special experiences where we saw and felt this boy in dreams and in spirit, we even had a name picked right away- Emmanuel Giovanni- a gift from God.

A couple months later I had my first weird pregnancy dream... (with Lili I dreamed she was a little vampire baby... but give me a break, I was reading Twilight, haha!) So anyways, this was just a weird pregnancy dream like any other, but the weirdest part was that I was dreaming about a girl. That really stuck with me. A couple weeks later I had forgotten about it, but then had another weird pregnancy dream. This was actually just a few days ago. I dreamed that I had the baby early, but still healthy, and lo, and behold, it was a girl! This was so surprising to me in my dream that I started shouting, 'It's a girl! I KNEW it was going to be a girl!'

I woke up so confused, and disturbed honestly, because I didn't know why I kept feeling this presence of a girl in my dreams. And even in my waking life I would get confused sometimes thinking I was having a girl, and reminding myself it was a boy. And I felt sad at that point at the thought of not having, or losing, our little Gio boy, because, as I said before, I had already had special experiences during this pregnancy when I felt his spirit with me! After I woke up from that dream, with all the confusion going through my mind, I felt that I should go to the temple as soon as possible.

I was able to go a few days later, (today) and as soon as I sat down in the session, I started feeling all the confusing thoughts again. I felt overwhelmed by them, by this anxiety, so I decided to just clear every thought out of my mind in order to just feel some peace. I knew if I could feel this, the answer would come. And all of a sudden, with a still, small voice, it did. 'There is a boy AND a girl waiting to join your family, and they want to come together.' I saw an image of the two of them side by side, Emma Victoriana Suzanne, and Emmanuel Giovanni, and I knew they wanted to join our family together. And now I will walk in faith in whatever direction Heavenly Father leads me to next in order to make this happen."

Love, Beth

photo by Brandon Toy, majorly needed boosts of confidence during shooting by Amy Toy ;), costume by Nephi Garcia (Designer Daddy), wig by Katie Hannah, and makeup done by myself